Quite interesting Matthew. The images of living/dying/moving/glowing are arranged well but I'm not sure they're as powerful as intended to be. As the poem makes me raise a brow, my criticism is that it's too overtly simple. Check out some William Carlos Williams to get a feel for simple but powerful poetry. It's a good idea but I definitely think you should mess around with this one a little more. big ups to formal action too, i heard your guys' set was killer!
Good stuff MD, I like that your tapping into your non lyrical writing side. I liked the opening a lot, and the idea is very cool. I agree with JP though, its simplicity is nice and refreshing but I feel if you're going to intend it to be purposely simple and brief, you should go all the way with it, no reason to let certain lines linger while others are so tight. Some of the lines in the 3rd part could be re-worked to be more powerful, to pare it down maybe, gerunds work in poetry sometimes but maybe not here since you're looking for brevity, like instead of orange and ascending "An ascent of (or in) orange" or if you wanted to keep the ascending maybe 'An ascending orange." Just suggestions that might help you acheive it that tightness more. Overall though good shit.
Thanks for the tips fellas. I flung this together as an expression of a sort of understanding or apathetic resignation to the shifting and cyclic nature of the world- a release of grasp. (all is as it should be) For this reason i shyed away from the type of iconic and powerful imagery i normally pursue, and set out in a more benign direction. In a way, to be a purposeful understatement. That said, I probably will rework this a bit in lieu of your advice. Let's hang out.
3 comments:
Quite interesting Matthew. The images of living/dying/moving/glowing are arranged well but I'm not sure they're as powerful as intended to be. As the poem makes me raise a brow, my criticism is that it's too overtly simple. Check out some William Carlos Williams to get a feel for simple but powerful poetry. It's a good idea but I definitely think you should mess around with this one a little more. big ups to formal action too, i heard your guys' set was killer!
Good stuff MD, I like that your tapping into your non lyrical writing side. I liked the opening a lot, and the idea is very cool. I agree with JP though, its simplicity is nice and refreshing but I feel if you're going to intend it to be purposely simple and brief, you should go all the way with it, no reason to let certain lines linger while others are so tight. Some of the lines in the 3rd part could be re-worked to be more powerful, to pare it down maybe, gerunds work in poetry sometimes but maybe not here since you're looking for brevity, like instead of orange and ascending "An ascent of (or in) orange" or if you wanted to keep the ascending maybe 'An ascending orange." Just suggestions that might help you acheive it that tightness more. Overall though good shit.
kt
Thanks for the tips fellas. I flung this together as an expression of a sort of understanding or apathetic resignation to the shifting and cyclic nature of the world- a release of grasp. (all is as it should be)
For this reason i shyed away from the type of iconic and powerful imagery i normally pursue, and set out in a more benign direction. In a way, to be a purposeful understatement.
That said, I probably will rework this a bit in lieu of your advice.
Let's hang out.
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