I think it was either Monday or Tuesday when the rain came. But for some odd reason it didn't make me sad, rather, it made me want to write a sad short something. My eyes glanced out the window and saw a sight similar to that of Taiwan during typhoon season. My ears heard the spit from the clouds tapping on the window like a stranger or beggar. Let me know what you all think because this is either close to being finished or it's just beginning. Big ups to all you critics.
"The Rain Left Nothing But Water To Drown In"
I raised the blinds in the small room only to see cold clouds and rainfall;
Hours of vacant streets, disgruntled errand runners and puddles.
After pacing through empty spaces that once held something, kind of like soft hands,
I sit in my room shivering and quiet, messing with ideas
of how things make me feel
of that loud crash at dawn
of the meal that came up.
The rain left nothing but water to drown in.
A ticking clock is the only thing in this house I can relate to.
An oven turned off for months is the only thing in this neighborhood I can relate to.
Noisy pipes bringing heat to hundreds are the only things in this state I can relate to.
-jp
p.s. SHOUT OUT TO SAM SMITH!! HAPPY BORN DAY SON!
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3 comments:
I like the title a lot. But while reading the poem I kept having to check back at the previous lines because it seemed like their were some contradictions between lines and the images sort of clashed. For example, the first line says the speaker only sees clouds and rainfall,it follows to say hours of vacant streets but then there's disgruntled errand runners there when I was just told the streets were vacant and you could only see clouds and rainfall. The images there sort of cancel each other out. The last stanza also seemed contradictory too. There's a comparison to a ticking clock, a working and functioning object and then there's a comparison to a non-functioning object, a turned off oven. They seem conflicted. The last metaphor is noisy pipes bringing heat to people. While a turned off oven brings to me a lack of function and use, as well as a coldness coming with lack of heat, the working pipes are functioning, are in use, and are bringing heat to people. So I don't know what to make of the comparisons and what they're meant to say.
I don't say these things to be a dick but for sake of honest criticism because I think you could do a lot more with this poem then whats here. I hoped to get more criticism on here then I have. The poem I posted up here the other day got totally torn apart by my professor which sucked but still I was glad for it because it made me realize some poor habits I was maintaining. Hopefully this was helpful (and it all love)
Upon reading your critique kyle, I did notice that a few things may seem out of order. The entire backstory to the making of this poem could be helpful but it sucks that the images can't be seen more clearly. This poem was a kind of self-analysis/thoughts on the resolve of my problems post-college life. Next time we meet up let's talk about this poem as to give each other more direction on what we're trying to say/see/hear/subtract. Thanks for the help and keep it comin'.
yeah man I would definitely like to talk in persons about our poems (and whoever elses for that matter). Sure would beat this whole internet thing. But yeah your phrasing of "out of order" definitely is how it felt. I liked them images and ideas on their on but I think if you wanted to go back to it you could set them up in a stronger way. Either way I've enjoyed reading your stuff and getting back together in person would be sweet.
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