A blue sea stretched and spanned
And covered the lengths of just found
Green and brown rows
And thousands of coarse but newborn servants stood
Looking up in wonder at the sea
Their eyes were just cleared
And all was beauty that grew around them
All was bright and warm
And all felt their life was born
Neighbors traded greetings of small pinches
To one another’s hands
No one woke up
So all rejoiced
And one called out
With a voice that was weather-beaten
A hail-torn old barn
And it boomed with pride
So all listened
And heard for the first time
A voice that was strong and spilt wide
It filled the head
And thought was breed
Their legs tore from the ground
And took steps that molded the earth
Walking towards the homes
That housed their souls
They collected their debts
And called to a boat
Standing mute in the sea
With flames spilling out to cure
Their stomachs empty well
They slowly came to reason
Unlike ever before
And thought to believe
This vessel brought life to the seed
And in turn they pledged their life to thee
And then all manner changed
As brutal beings that fled from earth’s cage
Seeing all as one
Crashed sharp clanging rods
Against concrete drums
Which was their greeting of presence
The drums hung from the stomach
Of an overfed and
Terribly cold corroding statue
Who watched all the cowering servants
Fearing the march, with no god to pray
Then the sea was swept off
By velvet strokes of a humble and bent
Shopkeepers broom
Until peeking through the dust
Came beckoning eyes
They were unspoiled but slight
Peering like dawn through the knots and the holes
Of the battered old shell, of a hail-torn barn
And they draped the terribly cold statue
Like robes painted on
By velvet strokes of an earnest but poor
Mediterranean painter
And they thought it beautiful too
So sorrow was lifted and new spirits
Walked alongside the coarse but softening servants
Yeah so this was an attempt at a creation type poem that traci's story reminded me of so I though I would post it. The blue sea is supposed to be the sky and the poem is about a new people reckoning with day and night, loving the day then fearing the night and the reckoning the two. I'm only writing what its supposed to be about because I don't know if its too ambiguous and maybe ya'll could help point out to me where I could go with it to make that story more apparent in it.
KT
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4 comments:
kyle
i started to day dream as i read this. it was really weird but awesome. i wasn't exactly sure what the poem was about while i was reading it but i made up images in my head to help me identify with the themes and essential story. once i got to the end of the poem, i found that what was going on in my head was actually pretty much on point with your idea.
i think you colorfully play with the idea of light and dark in an almost mysterious way. i like the fact that the story isn't handed to me, that i was able to think and imagine while reading.
it remind me of a play written by Maurice Maeterlinck's called The Blind. you should really look it up, i think you would find it interesting considering the overall subject matter of this poem.
cool shit my dude
rozzzzz
this poem is very visual. I like roz was imagining a whole different era and it gave the poem a great feeling. The vessel brought life to the seed is a standout line to me I just am drawn to it and stopped and re read the first time i went through this. I didn't necessarily see the parallel of night and day on the first read before i read your explanation. It came across to me as a reckoning of every day life. the characters you described like servants and shopkeepers came across so vividly, it was easy to relate to it despite the folklore feeling of it being an old story from the beginning of time. i like writing on this topic because it basically is the point of being alive, to me anyway. Its a struggle to make sense of day and night and life and death and pieces like this force you to favor a side and feel something about it.
i think there are parts you could make stronger but regardless is was thought provoking and well written.
you impress me
interesting. very interesting images you conjured up here, which i like. however, like you hinted at, i thought the narrative aspect you talked about aiming for was pretty obscured. which is a shame really, because the basis of the narrative; a "new people" being born i thought to be very intriguing. There never have been any "new people", and so it really sets your imagination in motion, to think how it would be for them if there were.
Neighbors traded greetings of small pinches
To one another’s hands
No one woke up
So all rejoiced
expressed this idea well, and was my favorite stanza.
i also noticed the pivotal point right in the center where the tone turned- to night??
And then all manner changed
As brutal beings that fled from earth’s cage
Seeing all as one
that was nice placement.
So all listened
And heard for the first time
A voice that was strong and spilt wide
It filled the head
And thought was breed
that was a bit confusing to me. but perhaps a typo?
all in all, i thought this was a bold concept, but could be much better executed, perhaps by cutting it down to a slightly more cleaned up version with tighter narrative held together by a few more concrete details. But then again, i am naturally inclined to the narrative aspect, so you may consider that a matter of personal style.
in my opinion it was some of your strongest work conceptually, but weakest overall just because of the foggy and incoherent nature of the narrative. i would like to see the imagery (which was great and very original) more tied to the driving concept.
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