Our backs carried the stones
that built these temples,
monuments to our minds
that now crumble
under the immense
weight of our hearts
Our hands sowed the seeds
that would be our bread,
filling our stomachs
but leaving our souls
empty and longing
like fallow fields
Our noses that once knew
the soft touch of warm skin,
now know only the smell
of the scorched flesh
of burning machines
and the feel of a hard grindstone,
cold and broken
Our wings
that carry us skyward,
higher now than ever before
never existed
MD
I'd personally would like to see some more original shit up on here. where the poets and the free thinkers at??
one's branch of expression becomes another's impression leading to introspection and the birth of a new branch. soon you've got a nice, whole tree. and i know yall like tree ;)
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3 comments:
MD,
yo man, i throughly enjoyed reading this poem. i love the tangible quality of it involving all of the senses. its amazing how much scent and touch are tied to emotions and memory. also i like the use of 'our' when you could have used 'my' and made it more personal. this allowed me to truly connect with the poem.
my favorite line is definitely 'scorched flesh
of burning machines' because the imagery is out of control.
madd props to you buddy.
roz
glad you enjoyed it roz. i often find myself using "our" not my in my writing, and sometimes see it as a bit of a shortcoming, but i suppose its not particularly that i dont want my personal feelings in the spotlight, because they always are anyway when you write something. But i enjoy the fact that everyone shares similar emotions and senses, and the formation of a connection through symbols like words.
i like senses. They say smell is the most vivid of all, with the strongest connection to memory and the others. unfortunately, i have nearly no sense of smell most of the time. lol
The use of my or I doesn't necessarily reflect the person writing. The subject or narrator of a poem isn't always the author. It's the speaker of the poem. We don't place the author of a first person narrative in a fictional story to be that character, the same idea applies to a poem. It obviously can be reflective of the writer but it doesn't have to be. You should always allow your subject to serve a purpose, same with every word in a poem. Whats functioning in the structure of the poem should be as important as the actual theme or idea presented in the poem, if there is even any idea presented. Like I said to you earlier today Matt, I enjoy the first two stanza's of this poem a lot. The third stanza seems to be out of place in this poem. The first two stanzas have an idea of creation and putting something to form while the third stanza strays from this point and talks of a destruction but it not being uniform with the rest of the poem doesn't really seem to serve a purpose. I think if you wanted that third stanza there then there needs to be some pivot point in the poem where it transitions to set up the third stanza. Or it should be used for another piece. There also needs to be a transition to the final stanza bc that last section seems to be a stanza of closure but it comes so abruptly it can catch you off guard. And like I said earlier, you should look at your writing the same way you look at a song, the first jam is never the end point nor should the first draft of a poem be its final form. All in all I like what you've started here.
KT
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