"Neilos"
we are born with a chance,
and I'm gonna have my chance.
When the sun came up
the lights turned on
and when the glow burnt out
the shade covered all.
A contact high, rediscovered
only through losing it all.
(don't let them suffer)
back the good times crowd.
Take off my old clothes and
float them downstream in a suitcase, and
run with light feet.
(don’t let them drown)
they will rise above! Rise above!
Rise above my head and baptize what's buried inside!
Let the holy rain fall on skull and find my heavy shoulders,
And renew my legs, columns near crumbling.
(they've had enough)
that's as miraculous as it is unsettling.
-J. Rebel
2 comments:
Hey man I dig this a lot. Very cool, you use images in a way that propels a narrative, they're really loose and and don't rely on too much detail that draws you out of the poem. I think the stanza that begins with "Send no search parties..." is really amazing. The line "rise above my head and baptize what's buried inside! Let the holy rain fall on skull.." is great. I like the repetition of rise above and the Whitman exclamation points. As far as criticism in terms of where I think you could strengthen it even further, it's pretty minimal. I think I'd take out some of the "and's" that start the lines. Like the "and" after that holy rain line, I think if it read "Let the holy rain fall on my skull and find my heavy shoulders/Renew my legs, columns near crumbling" it would just hit a little harder without the and, it'd be more succinct then "And renew my legs." Also the final line, with the semi-colon I don't think you need "that's as." Especially with ending the poem I feel like it would be more like a heavy bookend with "It's a haunting fairy tale, the water; miraculous as it is unsettling." Anyway, I really like the poem and think its great, good stuff man.
(making revisions), thanks for the feedback kyle. we'll definitely get on some collabo shit this summer. we still need to have the wine/roundtable writing experience as well. It's been an idea for years now.
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